Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
