weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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