We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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