I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize