He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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