ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
