she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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