do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
