So drunk its hurt
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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