I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
