I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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