sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How naked do you want me to be?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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