I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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