I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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