Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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