Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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