Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
