I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize