I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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