But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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