You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
