Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize