Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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