he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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