is your mom at the bar?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
