Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
