Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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