I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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