i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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