There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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