i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
