Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
