new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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