I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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