i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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