fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
