I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
