apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
