She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
