and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
