The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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