I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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