I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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