After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
