Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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