Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
where are you?
Hypothermia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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