Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Boobs speak an international language.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize