Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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