In the future we'll all be gay
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize