Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
