Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
