It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
