Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
