I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
