The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
