singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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