Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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