your parents love me but you hate me
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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