I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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