my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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