Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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