So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
