I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
