Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
of course. lets lasso hookers.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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