he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
