forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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