i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
